Letters

During the bouts of cancer diagnosis and treatments, Rachel writes e-mails to keep her friends and family updated on her thoughts and spiritual walk.

Unbelievable

March 13, 2005

I had planned to write one last e-mail telling about the wonders of tissue expansion and then sign off for awhile because my life, finally, had become quite boring. But then I went to my doctor’s appointment last Thursday.

 

I had had an ultrasound the previous Friday and they found cysts on my ovaries. Lots, apparently. As a result, I am seeing a gynecologic oncologist this Thursday who will explain what might or will happen as a result of this new development.

 

It seems that my best case scenario would still involve surgery as you can only get a definitive diagnosis with a tissue sample. Best case scenario = surgery. Unbelievable. And, given my recent history, it’s likely that they will not choose the less invasive (laparoscopic) surgery but would recommend removing my ovaries, fallopian tubes and uterus. And, of course, if the cysts are cancerous I could be looking at more chemo and radiation.

 

I am so so upset. I feel like I have just crested a mountain only to see another, taller peak right in front of me. I feel like I am caught in a nightmare. I am sad. I am mad. Really really mad. I’m pessimistic because I don’t want to be caught off-guard like last time. I am incredulous because I can’t believe this is happening again. All the unknowns. All the waiting. The anticipation of ickiness. I am realizing that I really could die sooner rather than later.

 

There is so much going on in my head and heart, I can’t even begin to explain. And everything seems contrary. I know that God is in control but wrestle with the fact that He has allowed this to happen. I am mad that Quinn and Kate will face upheaval again and I will be robbed of the chance to be the mother I want to be, even if only for a time, but I know that God is loving beyond my understanding. I am in the throes of pounding my fists against His loving chest only to collapse in tears and have Him comfort me.

 

Here we go again. Thank you for coming with me.

 

love,
rb

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