During the bouts of cancer diagnosis and treatments, Rachel writes e-mails to keep her friends and family updated on her thoughts and spiritual walk.

Safe to say

September 28, 2004

Safe to say that was probably the worst week of my life.


After arriving home from the hospital Friday afternoon (after getting the anti-nausea drugs and fluids) I did not get out of bed or off the couch for 4 more days. Movement = bad. Basically tried to stay as still as possible in order to avoid being sick again. And I was afraid to be sick because I wasn’t sure I would be able to stop. I am finally feeling better today (Day 7) but am still taking drugs to control the nausea – something I wasn’t doing at this point last time – and, as I write this, I am in bed again.


Not sure what the difference was. First time was hardly pleasant but definitely bearable. I was up and about for the most part – lying down mostly because of fatigue rather than nausea. This time – totally different. They – the infamous “They” – said that the first round would be indicative of how I would respond each time and then a nurse told me yesterday that often the reactions get worse as you go along. Great. Just what I needed to hear because…


I don’t know if I can do that again. If I am even the slightest bit worse next time around, I have no doubt I will be in the hospital. Not sure what the options are. Will have to ask the Dr. in a couple of weeks. Chemotherapy is basically reducing my chances of recurrence by half (from 30-40% to 15-20%) and, after what I’ve just been through, those numbers don’t seem worth it. Right now I can’t even think about it because, if I do, I start to feel woozy.


As I lie in bed with nothing to do other than try not be sick, I don’t struggle with the “why” of this – as in “why did this happen?” – but struggle with the “what” of this. As in “what can be the purpose, Lord?” and “what are you wanting from me?” not to mention the, “what is the amount I am expected to suffer?” Even then, there are other questions that I can’t even articulate showing that I don’t fully understand the depth of my own struggle.


So it was timely when I read this verse today from John where Jesus said, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” (ch.13 v.7)


Safe to say I don’t understand now. Safe to say I will someday – because He’s promised – and somehow that is a comfort.



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