Letters

During the bouts of cancer diagnosis and treatments, Rachel writes e-mails to keep her friends and family updated on her thoughts and spiritual walk.

Nothing is truer

March 17, 2005

“Don’t panic.” First words out of the doctor’s mouth, which were appropriate because I hadn’t been able to talk myself off the ledge by noon today.

 

It was the best I could have hoped for. Well, second best. The only thing better would have been him coming in and telling there had been a huge mistake and the ultrasound with the cysts was somebody else’s and that I was fine. No such luck.

 

He wants to do some more bloodwork (tumour markers, they’re called in this instance) and another ultrasound before making any decisions about surgery. And I am so glad. He is still concerned about the possibility of it being cancerous but doesn’t feel at this point that we need to rush to surgery. That’s exactly what I wanted to hear.

 

I had expected him to tell me that he wanted to operate – and he still might – but I am grateful for the chance that we might avoid it all together.

 

I will call on Monday to find out the results of the tumour markers. If they are normal or within a reasonable “abnormal” range, I will have an ultrasound on March 30th to see if there has been any change in the cysts. If they are extremely abnormal, they will operate.

 

There is one cyst that measured 8 cm. x 4 cm. (yes, centimetres – not millimetres.) on the ultrasound but when he did a physical exam today he didn’t think it felt that big so I am quietly optimistic that the ultrasound will show it has gotten smaller. If it has, that is great news because, as the doctor said, “bad things don’t get smaller.”

 

The past week has, arguably, been the most emotional of my life. I have struggled with the reality of death like never before and, almost exclusively, it has been because I want to be there for Quinn and Kate. I have felt like a cornered animal protecting her young. Every instinct in me wanting to shield them from the reality of disease and death. Wanting to be there to cheer them on. Wipe their tears away when something hurts.

 

Last night when I could not sleep, I was weeping before the Lord and asking him about the kids. He said, “I gave up my son for you. When you did not deserve it. That is how much I love you…and how much I love Quinn and Kate.” It’s true.

 

Nothing is truer.

 

love,
rb

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