But my To Do list has taken a back seat of late. It’s been four months since Neil and I sat stunned on that hospital bed after receiving the news we didn’t want to hear. Four months since the whirlwind of waiting to die began. And - surprise, surprise - the waiting is not easy for me.

Lying in bed waiting for my next dose of medications (14 different ones, in case you’re interested). Or waiting for Neil to come home from some activity with the kids. Or waiting for the day to end so I can fall asleep and maybe forget for awhile. Not easy. I’m a doer. I like to do things. Hence the To Do list obsession.

It seems that all I do is wait and write silly things like “Shower” on my To Do list. But today, “Send Update” made it on to my To Do list not because there is much to tell but mostly so I could actually do something. So by way of update, here we go:

First off, I look pregnant. My liver has swollen so much that I am perilously close to switching teams from the In-nies to the Out-ties. I’ve had to become creative with my wardrobe as I’m sure that one of these days some well meaning person is going to ask me when I’m due. Seriously. Fashion issues on top of terminal cancer?!? There must be a limit to what one girl is expected to endure…

And, after a few weeks of feeling like I’d plateaud a bit (i.e. a few less bad days, a few more predictable days), I feel like I’ve turned a bit of a corner again. I’ve been struggling with dizziness, difficulty breathing and more pain in my head. It also seems to be affecting my eyesight now too as I often have trouble focusing. I have had to up my pain meds significantly to deal with the pain in my shoulders, sternum and abdomen. The meds I’m on have been very effective but it does feel like things are continuing to progress. “Does it feel like you’re dying?,” some have asked. The answer is yes.

And I am finding that my greatest challenge and what occupies my thoughts most these days is how to finish well. All the little things that I battle daily seem to loom larger in the waiting of each day and moment as my impatience and selfish tendencies rush to the forefront of every thought and activity.

So my challenge is to finish well. And it seems I am to do this by waiting. Appropriately, I found this verse in Lamentations:

“It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

Waiting. Quietly. It is a good thing apparently.

I have added it to my To Do list…

with love,
rb

1. Terms

By accessing this web site, you are agreeing to be bound by these
web site Terms and Conditions of Use, all applicable laws and regulations,
and agree that you are responsible for compliance with any applicable local
laws. If you do not agree with any of these terms, you are prohibited from
using or accessing this site. The materials contained in this web site are
protected by applicable copyright and trade mark law.

2. Use License

Permission is granted to temporarily download one copy of the materials
(information or software) on DeathisnotDying.com’s web site for personal,
non-commercial transitory viewing only. This is the grant of a license,
not a transfer of title, and under this license you may not:
modify or copy the materials;
use the materials for any commercial purpose;
remove any copyright or other proprietary notations from the materials; or
transfer the materials to another person or “mirror” the materials on any other server.
This license shall automatically terminate if you violate any of these restrictions and may be terminated by DeathisnotDying.com at any time. Upon terminating your viewing of these materials or upon the termination of this license, you must destroy any downloaded materials in your possession whether in electronic or printed format.

3. Disclaimer

The materials on DeathisnotDying.com’s web site are provided “as is”. DeathisnotDying.com makes no warranties, expressed or implied, and hereby disclaims and negates all other warranties, including without limitation, implied warranties or conditions of merchantability, fitness for a particular purpose, or non-infringement of intellectual property or other violation of rights. Further, DeathisnotDying.com does not warrant or make any representations concerning the accuracy, likely results, or reliability of the use of the materials on its Internet web site or otherwise relating to such materials or on any sites linked to this site.

4. Limitations

In no event shall DeathisnotDying.com or its suppliers be liable for any damages (including, without limitation, damages for loss of data or profit, or due to business interruption,) arising out of the use or inability to use the materials on DeathisnotDying.com’s Internet site, even if DeathisnotDying.com or a DeathisnotDying.com authorized representative has been notified orally or in writing of the possibility of such damage. Because some jurisdictions do not allow limitations on implied warranties, or limitations of liability for consequential or incidental damages, these limitations may not apply to you.

5. Revisions and Errata

The materials appearing on DeathisnotDying.com’s web site could include technical, typographical, or photographic errors. DeathisnotDying.com does not warrant that any of the materials on its web site are accurate, complete, or current. DeathisnotDying.com may make changes to the materials contained on its web site at any time without notice. DeathisnotDying.com does not, however, make any commitment to update the materials.

6. Links

DeathisnotDying.com has not reviewed all of the sites linked to its Internet web site and is not responsible for the contents of any such linked site. The inclusion of any link does not imply endorsement by DeathisnotDying.com of the site. Use of any such linked web site is at the user’s own risk.

7. Site Terms of Use Modifications

DeathisnotDying.com may revise these terms of use for its web site at any time without notice. By using this web site you are agreeing to be bound by the then current version of these Terms and Conditions of Use.

8. Governing Law

Any claim relating to DeathisnotDying.com’s web site shall be governed by the laws of the Province of British Columbia without regard to its conflict of law provisions.

General Terms and Conditions applicable to Use of a Web Site.

Privacy Policy

Your privacy is very important to us. Accordingly, we have developed this Policy in order for you to understand how we collect, use, communicate and disclose and make use of personal information. The following outlines our privacy policy.

• Before or at the time of collecting personal information, we will identify the purposes for which information is being collected.
• We will collect and use of personal information solely with the objective of fulfilling those purposes specified by us and for other compatible purposes, unless we obtain the consent of the individual concerned or as required by law.
• We will only retain personal information as long as necessary for the fulfillment of those purposes.
• We will collect personal information by lawful and fair means and, where appropriate, with the knowledge or consent of the individual concerned.
• Personal data should be relevant to the purposes for which it is to be used, and, to the extent necessary for those purposes, should be accurate, complete, and up-to-date.
• We will protect personal information by reasonable security safeguards against loss or theft, as well as unauthorized access, disclosure, copying, use or modification.
• We will make readily available to customers information about our policies and practices relating to the management of personal information.

We are committed to conducting our business in accordance with these principles in order to ensure that the confidentiality of personal information is protected and maintained.

Search for the Spiritual, A: Exploring Real Christianity - A useful book for those who are searching.

The Alpha Course - An opportunity to explore the meaning of life.

The Good Egg - A fabulous cooking blog.

Between Two Worlds - A mix of theology, philosophy, politics, and culture.

Girl Talk - Conversations on Biblical womanhood and other fun stuff.

Josh Harris - A blog by author and pastor Josh Harris.

Albert Mohler - Useful blog on contemporary issues and Christianity.

As a wife to Neil for 10 years and mother to two children, she has both loved and been loved exceptionally well.

As a businesswoman, an entrepreneur, and a writer she has known the joy of investing her life in something bigger than herself and the thrill of rising to a challenge.

As a friend and mentor she has profoundly influenced many and been deeply transformed herself through the words, hearts and lives of those she loves.

Most precious to Rachel has been the joy of discovering daily the beauty of her personal relationship with Jesus Christ. A journey that started in her childhood, gained momentum as a student at university, and has been the source of strength, courage, and hope in her five-year battle with cancer.

Rachel lives in Vancouver, Canada, attends Westside Church and, among other things, enjoys good friends, good food, good wine, March Madness, Sunday afternoons watching NFL football, warm climates, water, and reading good books.

Rachel was born in London, Ontario and her life travels included years spent in Africa, growing up in Chilliwack (BC), university in London (ON) and working in Dallas (TX) before settling in Vancouver (BC). Rachel had a long career in politics and has many friends from her time working for the Conservative Party of Canada and the BC Liberal Party. A long list of career highlights do not compare to Rachel’s accomplishments as a loving wife, mother and servant of Jesus.

Rachel had a full and blessed life. She was a loving wife and mother who delighted in serving others, throwing parties, helping friends and spending days at the cabin with her family. She loved everyone selflessly and her passions were evident in everything she did. Rachel adored her children - Quinn and Kate were her greatest gifts. She will be greatly missed by her family, her friends and everyone whose life she has touched.

The Discipline of Grace: God’s Role and Our Role in the Pursuit of Holiness - Gerald Bridges

Don’t Waste Your Life - John Piper

Feminine Appeal - Nancy Leigh Demoss and Carolyn Mahaney

Hard to Believe: The High Cost and Infinite Value of Following Jesus - John MacArthur

The Hidden Smile of God: The Fruit of Affliction in the Lives of John Bunyan, William Cowper, and David Brainerd (The Swans Are Not Silent) - John Piper

The Holiness of God - R.C. Sproul

Humility: True Greatness - CJ Mahaney

Knowing God - J.I. Packer

The Pursuit of God - A.W. Tozer

Pilgrims Progress - John Bunyan

Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life - Donald Whitney

When I Don’t Desire God: How to Fight For Joy - John Piper

When People Are Big and God Is Small - Edward Welch

Why We’re Not Emergent: By Two Guys Who Should Be - Kevin DeYoung and Ted Kluck

The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict - Ken Sande

Sacred Parenting: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls
- Gary Thomas

Shepherding a Child’s Heart - Ted Tripp

When Sinners Say “I Do”: Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage - Dave Harvey

Valley of Vision: A collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions - A.G. Bennett

I’m not sure what I thought it would be like but I think I hoped it would be easier than this. But, admittedly, I’m not that tough.

First of all, I’ve never done it before and there’s no one around who’s done it before to ask how to do it well. You have to prioritize and plan your days, weeks, months, without knowing how much time you actually have. You have to find the balance between complaining so that you can get relief and not complaining so that you don’t annoy all the nice people who are trying to help you. All this, I am learning, I am not that good at.

I went to bed the other night feeling ok but woke up an hour later with searing pain in my head. If it didn’t sound so odd, I’d say that I can feel the cancer growing. My face went more numb and I had crazy pain in my jaw and head. The cancer has spread to my shoulders too so those ache often as well. I took some pain medication and it’s subsided somewhat but was then wide awake and couldn’t stop thinking about how this is all going to go down. Will it be fast? Slow? More painful than it is now? I ask but there are, of course, no answers.

The last couple of weeks have been a bit more rough. More bad days. Fewer good days. I’ve had some more radiation on my other hip and my sternum where the cancer has spread and was causing discomfort. I usually get a little “bounce” a few days after the radiation when the nausea and fatigue from the treatment have worn off. Today was one of those days - kind of. I got to to go out for lunch with a friend. I got to take the kids to their art class. I got to get the groceries for supper. And then I came home and spent the rest of the day in bed…and my head started hurting. It’s like that. Ups and downs. And it can vary by the hour. Which I’m sure, if it is frustrating for me, must be maddening to those around me who have to deal with me. One moment I am insisting that I am perfectly fine to do something and the next am asking for help to get a sip of water.

Dying is hard. And now I better understand some of the things people struggle with as they near death.

I remember my grandmother who, at the end of her life could not move, see or hear very well and wondered what Jesus was waiting for - why wouldn’t he take her home now? I understand how she felt. I remember my grandfather, who died just last year, as he patiently endured our entreaties to eat, our constant asking of “How are you feeling?” or our efforts to make him more comfortable. I understand how he felt. And then there are the moments where the kids ask, “Mom, how come you got cancer?” Those questions, of course, are the hardest.

Although I do very little these days, the one thing I do is pray more. I’ve never been a great person of prayer, to my shame. But when I’m lying awake at night or trying not to throw up or just alone in bed - I pray. I pray because it is the only useful thing I can do. And, that said, it is a very good investment of the time I do have. I pray for Neil. A lot. How grateful I am for him and for strength to endure what is being asked of him. I pray for Quinn and Kate - while I still can. And I pray for the many people that God brings to my mind in the midst of my darkness.

So all that to say, I’m not very good at this. I am trying though. And when I think of the end, of how hard dying already is, and of how hard it will be for those I love when I’m gone, these are the verses that come to mind:

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you.”
Isaiah 43:1-2

Dying is hard. But not as hard as it could be.

with love,
rb